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my previous entry had me thinking more about how tantric practices might be easy to misunderstand or seem indistinguishable from theistic practices. i barely understand how eating meat, drinking liquor, and having sex could be considered a spiritual practice, so it’s helpful for me to think out loud about it to come to a greater understanding. please excuse this uneducated speculation yet public thought process.
so if you put a tantric buddhist next to a tantric yet non-buddhist practitioner and observed them practicing deity visualization, feast offerings, or sexual practice i bet you would not be able to tell any difference by observation between their practices. the buddhist and non-buddhist’s techniques might be identical to the observer. yet the buddhist would say that their practices lead to less ego-clinging and a reduction in a self-centered attitude which might not be the case for the non-buddhist. those, the buddhist might say will be a path to the sustain realization of the true nature of mind which is the union of bliss and emptiness. emptiness could also be said to be fullness or suchness or just “that”.
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found this interesting site about tibetan buddhism and tantra. not sure how accurate their summaries are but their glossary of terms and practices is extensive. seems to have a bent on the sexual aspect of tantric practice instead of presenting the view of liberation through the realization of the true nature of suchness / fullness / emptiness.
some interesting examples:
visualizing one’s own dismemberment to foster liberation from ego clinging
dzogchen lineage compared to zen
three classes of dzogchen teachings
four yogas or stages of mahamudra
though one warning i’d add it seems the author of this site it trying make a point of the sexual practices of tibetan tantric teaching as valid path. i would worry that without the proper view - why do a practice and what is the desired fruition of the practice - then one could read this and think it is just indulgent or theistic. but it makes for titilating reading. here the site talks about the yabyum sexual position in visualization practice and some opinions on a secret sexual meaning of core inner tantric teaching. yet without an understanding of what is meant by realizing emptiness, i suspect reading this just becomes sensational or provocative without meaning.
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zak and i have been conversing about compassion in buddhism. in researching that to keep up with him, i found these two very interesting teachings by Khenpo Rinpoche: a most wonderful yogi.
a couple terms first:
“relative bodhichitta” - the experience of a soft and tender and open heart
“klesha” - afflictive emotions
Unbearable compassion and 9/11
What it means to be lucky
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this came up over dinner last night, how people say one thing which doesn’t match their actions and how prevalent a disconnect that can be.
for example, i say i don’t like to watch sports on tv, but then put me in a sports bar facing a tv and my eyes are drawn to the program. even if it is a cricket match. so conceptually i seem to have a belief about what i do and do not like, but then my actions don’t really match that view. maybe in this case, it would be more accurate to say that i don’t particularly enjoy the shows, nor would i seek them out, but when faced with them i will watch and i probably also don’t like that i have that habit or tendency. so the reality is more complicated, yet i’ve reduced it all to this simplified view of myself which is close to reality but not exactly true. there’s some slight disconnect from the simplified view and what really happens.
i bring this up just because i seem to do it all the time, and it seems like most everyone has lots of beliefs like this all the time too. in the worst extreme, the issues are more meaningful than tv preferences. like feeling conflicted about a career, family, friendship, hobby, etc. we could say that we like or dislike a person, place, or thing but then in reality we stay attached or detached in some way in spite of our view. or rather, our simplified view just doesn’t exactly match our actual view: what our actions demonstrate we really believe.
i hear the tibetan yogi named khenpo tsultrim gyamtso rinpoche said last year (though i’m paraphrasing second hand): “you can tell what your actual view is from your actions, not from what you think you believe.” that seems to match my experience of myself pretty well.
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the first topic we discussed at my seminary retreat last month was motivation. why retreat? why meditate? why study? these were just open questions for everyone to contemplate. but different kinds of motivation and our experience of motivation are central to meditation and buddhism. the tibetan teachings seem to enjoy putting everything in lists. we talked about three levels of motivation:
ordinary or small - wanting to have a pleasurable life
medium - wanting to be liberated from suffering
great - wanting everyone to be liberated from suffering
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i guess i could spend some time and appreciate what i have, beyond just being honest about what i’m not appreciating. but it’s so easy to take it all for granted.
i take for granted that the next day will come, just like every other. the old gelugpa lamas used to turn their begging bowl upside down i hear before they went to bed. turning it upside down is usually reserved for when monks die. but they figured that since they might die in the middle of the night, they might as well turn it face down so when they died in their sleep then no one else would have turn it over for them. when they woke in the morning, they would cultivate a feeling of surprise or appreciation for having one more day.
i really take for granted my privilege, of being born an american into a middle class family that emphasized a good education and supported one for me. i take for granted an extended family that appreciated and encouraged me, and growing up in communities that had high expectations for me and were similarly encouraging. i didn’t have to start working until my twenties. so i’m incredibly lucky, and i have time to study or work on whatever i want, and i have flexibility and good work situations and good home situations. even though i don’t know how long i’ll live today i have good health and few limitations.
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so a lot going through my head today, these three contemplations below should lead me to feel like each day is super important. at the same time, there’s no point in running around like a monkey. better appreciate each moment for what it is - painful or ecstatic or whatever.
yet my actions don’t really speak to that view. my actions demonstrate that my more ingrained view is that my time is endless, my loved ones will be here forever, that short term gratification is still important, that closing down my point of view for some short term emotional fix is somehow worthwhile, and only if i can just perfectly coordinate my chain of conditional well-being from action and possessions and self-image management that i’ll be unconditionally happy.
why is it that i think all that works? rationally i know that it doesn’t bring lasting happiness. but yet i keep running myself ragged like a monkey in these exact ways.
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another thing i’m noticing lately is that certain activities tend to make my perspective wider, and some make my perspective narrower. for example, if i get angry or frustrated with a situation, my vision even starts to get almost like a tunnel. i hyper-focus on that issue and forget what else is going on. Or if i start craving a particular gadget, or a particular outcome at work, then that craving starts to fill my mind. i don’t then pay attention to what i’m doing really while i’m day dreaming about how cool it would be to have this project finished or that project underway.
on the flip side, it seems like activities which are more laid back yet productive sort of open up the space. so today, not being to crazed but just gently cleaning out the last of my things in storage was awesome. it put me in a good mood, and simplified my life in one small way. and contemplations like these today also make me think bigger. not always comfortable when it has me considering my own mortality and mid-life issues like that, but the result seems to be a wider field of view.
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perhaps from cleaning today, i have been considering my possessions more today than usual. over the years a pattern has emerged for me, where i collect hobbies and things for those hobbies, i collect books that i want to someday read, and i hold onto things with some sense that i will want to use them someday or i fear giving them up and then later regretting that.
this pattern seems to go beyond possessions even, into the real of self-image. picking up hobbies has in some part been for fun and to quell any boredom, but also so i can see myself as an interesting or varied and skilled person. it’s like buying and putting on a new jacket, the fact that i can sail or snowboard or compete in this race or that has both brought fun and also brought some sense of self. the jacket sometimes fits well and sometimes later goes out of style for “me”.
there are other benefits from these activities, careers, and hobbies. i meet and stay connected with wonderful people in those same circles. i have something to do on a saturday night. they bring in many ways a sense of well-being, the result of having possessions, hobbies, things to do, and a way of defining myself in relationship to those reference points.
but there is a problem with this type of well-being, it’s conditional. it’s short lived, moment to moment, and then it wares off and i’m left in boredom, or not sure of myself and my self-worth, until i can fill the space with another activity, view, or relate to another one of my possessions. there’s a small gap between these conditional well-beings, and in that gap i don’t feel well. more over, when i rely on these conditional things for a sense of who i am or to fill the space, then i’m even more addicted to that habit later. it seems to be a continual cycle of filling the space and revalidating who i am.
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i don’t usually think about this, in fact i usually try not to think about mortality and those i love. our impermanence is painful to contemplate and hold. for some reason it really struck me today how temporary all this is. everyone i know and especially everyone that i care about will someday be gone. everyone. some will outlive me, and perhaps be by my side when i’m at my last breath. others i will be there to hold when they go. but it’s inevitable and unpredictable.
so these things that i hold so dearly, my things, my possessions, even my ideas about myself and my goals and my view of myself. these are all also impermanent. they still matter in some sense, they are how i live my life and how i communicate with it, but they will not save me from old age, becoming crippled and perhaps pretty feeble and ugly - from that inevitable suffering. in fact, those possessions can only have a serious hold on me if i forget that fact and my impermanence.
so here’s my contemplation for you: if we remember every moment that we don’t know how much time is left, then how to best spend the remaining time? and perhaps even more precisely, when going through the day, how does that reminder change how one relates with the smallest activities?
sitting monkey is place where