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i read last night a really interesting critique of the american approach to zen buddhism, written by trungpa rinpoche in the myth of freedom. he wrote:
If we are to become the dharma without credentials [ego patting ourselves on the back], the introduction of boredom and repetitiousness is extremely important. Without it we have no hope. It is true - no hope.
There are definite styles of boredom. The Zen tradition in Japan creates a definite style of boredom in its monasteries. Sit, cook, eat. Sit zazen and do your walking meditation and so on. But to an American novice who goes to Japan or takes part in traditional Japanese practice in this country, the message of boredom is not communicated properly. Instead, if I may say so, it turns into a militant appreciation of rigidity, or an aesthetic appreciation of simplicity, rather than actually being bored, with is strange. Actually it was not designed to be that way. To the Japanese, Zen practice is an ordinary Japanese life&en;situation in which you just do your daily work and sit a lot of zazen. But Americans appreciate the little details &em; how you use your bowl and how you eat consciously in zazen posture. This is only supposed to create a feeling of boredom, but to American students it is a work of art. Cleaning your bowl, washing it out, folding your white napkin and so forth, becomes living theater. The black cushion is supposed to suggest no color, complete boredom. But for Americans it inspires a mentality of militant blackness, straightforwardness.”
i think trungpa here runs the risk of turning boredom into just as interesting as zen buddhists turn detail awareness into another self identification. i remember the first time i read this instruction, i sat down on the pillow and i sought out boredom. not hot boredom, where i was restless and thinking about all the things i had to do, but cold boredom like a stream washing over me. but i was identifying with that boredom, my ego had the attitude of ‘look what i’ve done! i’m doing it right, it’s like i have a stream washing over me. good job!’ but in truth the instruction is to make friends with just what is and how it is without struggling with it. to see anxiousness and agitation is it arises, and understand our nature better. this requires being ok to be bored, because that energy is harder to witness when we’re excited or engaged.
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i was dreaming last night often about how i feel when talking to strangers. i had sort of a running commentary about how i feel in those situations and how i criticize myself about it, in a few different dreams. the big hurdle for me in that is avoiding saying the wrong thing. it’s not like i constantly trip up or have tourettes, but the fear of a mistake is debilitating.
one approach to this fear is to build up a repertoire of small talk, and chat to people on the train or wherever as a form of practice. but i think that’s an aggressive approach, which thinks of the fear as a problem that i need to deal with and dispose of. like i should perform surgery on my heart, and cut out the offending parts.
what i’d like to do instead is touch on the fear when it comes up and just use the raw energy of it to wake up more, but not identify with the issue and use it as another self criticism.
friends will now say, “what are you talking about? you’re really social and friendly! i’ve seen you talk to tons of strangers.” true, but talking to strangers is really juicy for me and brings up a lot of fear.
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today i’m going to the north california council meeting for my buddhist lineage. they’re planning upcoming teaching, communication, and considering buying land to start a residential monestary. i’m representing the south bay group that we’ve restarted. with that in mind, my mindfulness homework for today will be to pay keen attention when meeting new people.
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last night i was sitting at the belmont train station after dinner with friends there, waiting for the last train home to san francisco. at that late hour, commuter trains come much less often. so i was reviewing the latest draft of our users manual and sitting quietly in the cold.
suddenly a large freight train came in, without slowing. i was sitting there on a bench, probably only ten feet from the train tracks, and this heavy loaded train with oil tankers and box cars came roaring through at full speed.
i’ve never been so close to a full speed train. the world rumbled. the wind blew from its force. i had the thought that if anything falls off this train, even the smallest piece of metal or wood, that i was a dead man. there would be no surviving the force of it. i just sat there in the energy of that realization, and watched with amazement.
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the meditation retreat had a couple themes for me. one was that softening was the best approach for dealing with the unexpected, instead of hardening. my general reaction to emotions and thoughts as they arise is to harden - to form a solid opinion or defense, to solidify a view or beliefs.
my mantra this week has been to treat each random thought as simply a reminder to wake up and return to the present awareness of my situation - to open further instead of close down - and to use strong emotion especially as a reminder to soften. if someone provokes me, to consider how all people can be provoked and injured instead of getting defensive. to remember how much we all share these emotional difficulties.
the other theme for me was that anything can be the object of meditation, not just following the breath or noticing thoughts as they arise, but also the process of sitting on the pillow, the way one walks into the room, how i brush my teeth.
we had homework during the retreat: to notice how we got dressed in the morning, to find a small treasure outside during a lunch break, and then for the next couple weeks to pick one different activity each day to be mindful of.
so far i’ve picked:
monday: whenever i went to the bathroom
tuesday: as i brushed my teeth in the morning and evening
wednesday: (forgot to pick an activity)
thursday: while traveling to work, to the dentist, etc.
any suggestions for next week?
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this weekend after vegas i went straight to a meditation retreat in berkeley. kind of a constrast, but a welcome sit. ahhhh.
sitting monkey is place where