how change is possible

from contemplating my last two posts about proposition eight, i’m remembering today my own journey toward tolerance and then onto support and it is making me teary. so i thought i would share some of my personal story in brief, below the fold.

as a young man, race and homosexuality made me uncomfortable. i grew up in upper-middle class, white suburbs of detroit and miami with a brief stint in north carolina. kids in my neighborhoods would use slurs about race or sexuality as part of the regular vernacular, and glare suspiciously at anyone who didn’t look like they belonged. i remember feeling fear when someone clearly not-from-there was driving through the neighborhood or tried to interact with us. kids can be mean.

i’m lucky in many ways though. my parents would not tolerate any kind of language or attitude — racist, sexist, or mean generally — that was discriminatory or even small-minded. i was scolded when anything of the like slipped out. so while it was subtly and not so subtly all around me, i grew up with a clear message that it was not ok; and yet it was part of my larger landscape.

high school started to widen my view. i had a single semester in north carolina, and though i went to an exclusive, mostly white private school there was some diversity and my closest friends were not all white. then i returned to miami and again i attended an exclusive private school. in miami however that meant kids were as often hispanic as not and the school had students from a more international and varied background. and my view widened, but that was a process.

then i was lucky to attend a college where students were from everywhere, all over the united states and other countries. it produced a cultural mishmash that felt like there was no real “from-here” and “not-from-here” like before.

and there i had to confront my homophobia.

a good friend, who i respected deeply and admired, told me that he was gay. but i had known him already for years, and respected him as a person and dear friend already. suddenly the sense of gay people as not-from-here came crashing down and i had to face my prejudice and shame all at once. not in an abstract way, but in my gut and in my heart and in the midst of my deep appreciation for someone whom i respected.

at the same time, i had to imagine how hard his life had been growing up in an environment that was likely very unsupportive, dangerous even, filled with subtle and overt prejudice; doubly so, as an african american gay man. yet, he epitomized to me dignity, cheerfulness, and kindness. he had to me an authentic presence and genuine, good heart. i am now and was then so thoroughly inspired by his example that perhaps what prejudice i had could not withstanding such authenticity and genuineness.

now looking back all i feel is gratitude. i’m not sure how he would feel with such a public thank you, but i wanted to take a moment and acknowledge publicly how it really was one person — genuinely being who he was in the face of adversity — that made such a profound and helpful shift in my view and widened my perspective. and that made many of my friendships i value later in life possible. thank you, my friend, i am deeply in your debt and inspired by your example.

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