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david evans.
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the dathun is over. all packed up this morning and now ready to head out to boston. going to be interesting coming back to the working world after so much time in retreat. very interesting…
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only one more day of meditation practice, then a final celebratory banquet. i’m finishing up exit interviews with my students today and feeling the loss of the program already. it will all be over soon. i’m both happy about this from being tired and sad to see it dissolve. but it will be nice to get a full night sleep for a change and eat with a fork.
“honey, did you take your pill today?”
“um… ah… ya, sure i did sweety”
call me a ‘guy basher’ but somehow i don’t think this will be as trustable…
this last week has been really different, more energy and more vivid trains of thought. i’m not sure that’s a bad thing particularly but it’s different. partly it’s just reality, i’m having to relate to my impending move back to california, job contract details, shipping boxes of my things, and packing. partly it’s just the way my mind works, planning and fantasizing about how things are going to go. wasting the present moment away imagining a future one.
i’m also thinking more and more about the fruition of all this meditation. how does it work exactly? what is it doing? it’s hard for me to tell while i’m here, the progression over a month is subtle. but as soon as i’m back in the real world i’m sure it will be a sharp contrast.
i am noticing though, in this last week, that even with all of the excitement about upcoming changes there’s some amount of exertion possible that steadies my mind. without the stimulus, it settles out of boredom. but with the stimulus, i can still settle it if i apply myself. hard to describe what that exertion is though, in words. feels like exertion, even though that word usually for me evokes the idea of musculature and physicality. but there’s some sort of mental exertion going on and i can then stay in the present moment in spite of the excitement. but without the exertion, my mind spins off into fantasy land and day dreams about this and that.
wow, will this retreat ever end?!
it just goes on and on and on. each day just like the last. it’s amazing people get so soft and raw doing the same simple thing day after day. what is it about just watching your breath that causes so much to come up for people? I guess watching the breath is really just staying present in the moment - and things just come up. but we normally fill the space so we don’t have to deal with them.
the trees outside the shrine room are starting to bloom, and some tulips have come up in the front lawn. it’s rainy and dreary and cold though. one more week to go in this retreat, but mostly we’re on autopilot. i’m preparing a talk for tomorrow evening about two chants that we do each day.
my practice just keeps getting deeper and more subtle, though the level of detail that i can see in my mind ebbs and flows. i’m hoping to settle more this week, but later in the week we’ll start doing contemplation practice and that tends to stir up the mind.
contemplation meditation is when one holds an idea or a thought intentionally to gain insight about it. we all do this all the time, we’re just usually contemplating what’s for lunch or something like that. here we’ll be contemplating other topics, especially ones which may evoke fear and sadness for us, like death and addiction and aggression.
usually holding a mental object tends to enervate the mental consciousness and cause more storylines and distractions, and emotions. so we do that practice later in the month retreat after we’ve built a lot of stability and strength of mind first, then we can hold a thought without being captured by the secondary thoughts and emotions that will come up.
had the day off today, after finishing the week with more repetitous long days of practice. went to town to buy a couple things and get a lunch that doesn’t come in a little bowl with chopsticks.
i feel deeply settled, though my mind still has a subtle elation or tension that seems to fuel trains of thought. i’m excited to spend the next week in more, longer sessions to see how subtle and settled my mind can go. we’re definitely into a routine now, everyone has a sense of how we do things and how the forms of the dathun program work, so it’s getting more and more boring. boredom seems to be a key part of the recipe of this program. it allows further settling to see more subtle aspects of one’s mind, that excitement or entertainment would mask.
we practice ‘functional silence’ during the dathun. that means while working in the kitchen or around the house, one can talk functionally to other people to get the job done while being mindful not to be discursive. tomorrow is our second day of noble silence, however, where no talking at all is preferred. so we walk around with note pads and pens if we need to really communicate with other people.
i’m reminded of the scene in monty python’s life of brian
[Brian is being chased by his unwanted followers, and decides to hide by jumping down into a small trench]
Hermit Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.] OH my foot!!! Oh!
Brian Ssssh.
Hermit Oh, Damn, damn, damn!
Brian I’m sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it!
Brian I’m sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit Don’t you ‘Ssssh’ me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Sssh me!
Brian What?
Hermit I’ve kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?
Hermit Oh, it doesn’t matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I’ve wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out!
Brian Sssssh.
Hermit Oh, I’m alive! I’m father Gila. I’m father Gila. I’m father Gaaaagh! Oh I’m alive, I’m alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I’m aligggh! Get off. I’m alive! I’m father Gila, I’m father and I’m…
[He notices the crowd of Brian followers have found them and are staring at him.]
gave a short talk this morning on eating practice, in particular about crispness in our forms and that mindfulness doesn’t mean going slowly particularly. i feel especially tender after giving the talk, and wishing that i could see everyone. missing you all.