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i’m pretty sure i approached meditation practice originally because i wanted something to make my life more sane and workable. like going to the gym so i won’t get as winded during my day, the meditation would be so my mind and spirit wouldn’t get winded either.
but what i didn’t bargain for was just how up and down the practice would make me, i feel like i’m processing years and years of crap all at once and some moments are great and others really suck. i hope it’s a form of processing, and i’m just not making myself really raw and exposed for no good reason.
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ok, i feel less worthless today. i’m worried it’s because the speed has returned to my mind and now i’m just not seeing how my mind works as clearly. i’m distracted. is that compassion? or just returning to delusion?
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Treading on the spiritual path, according to the Buddha, is not a pleasurable situation, neither is it a blissful one. In the lives of great teachers in the past, it was a constant unmasking, a constant giving away, a constant undressing, peeling off skin after skin, layer after layer, mask after mask….Getting on the spiritual path is like getting into a vehicle without brakes. It involves giving up, giving away, unmasking layer after layer of ego’s sheath. It would be better not to begin such a trip, but if we must begin such a journey, we should prepare for it and we should not expect bliss as soon as we start out. Bliss, pleasure, and joy should emanate from some kind of work, some kind of sacrifice, of giving in.
-Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
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when i see my mind, i am driven crazy by all of the
neurosis that arises beyond my control. and now
i can’t barely avoid seeing my mind in all of its
rich filth and degradation.
aggression, embarrassment, fear, deprecation
an endless stream of misery that i’d rather ignore.
but i sold my TV, can’t find my CD caddy, I
have no distractions to cling to anymore.
when i love someone, i hold myself up to them like a
yardstick and see all of the ways that i don’t measure.
a mirror does not praise your beauty when you
think you are an old hag.
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tomorrow morning i head to colorado for my retreat. that means tonight i’ll just be doing laundry and trying to figure out how to pack for the mountains in spring.
as i do some homework for this one, i’m finding part of the emphasis to be about overcoming these obstacles to being open to the present moment. These qualities aren’t necessarily bad, it’s just they can be obstructions to being present and open to the richness of life. And these are the focus of my retreat, which then ends with a practice to open further to that richness of experience.
- arrogance, or just knowing what’s up and what’s down conceptually, ignoring possibility
- doubt, or second guessing and building a story line about the situation
- hope, or living in an image of the future
- uncertainty, or solely falling back on logic to process what’s going on
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i saw this short clip on my lineage on public television yesterday. i didn’t like the clip, seemed edited together oddly and i think they emphasized things in a way that most people wouldn’t really get. but it was fun to see.
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week735/belief.html
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i’m heading out later this week for my first ten day meditation retreat. i leave thursday morning. this one is focusing on the common obstacles for staying present and in the moment, and it will add some subtle additions to the meditation practice i learned last weekend. that practice is a variation of tonglen, and at the end of this retreat we’ll add more to the practice so it will be even more like tonglen.
tonglen, which is exchanging yourself for others, is a Buddhist meditation that i love. the technique i’m working with now is a secular variation of it that’s slightly different. and it’s first taught to be used on-the-spot whenever something is challenging or you feel under pressure or uncomfortable. it’s supposed to wake you up immediately and connect you with the energy of the moment that you’ve been cut off from by spinning in opinions and doubt. my experience of it so far is that it has been really good for that, especially at work or my recent phone calls about meditation rental spaces. before each phone call i take a second and open up and reconnect to that wakefulness.
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bill had some really interesting points about letting go as an instruction versus leaning into emotion.
this seems to relate to what i’m struggling with or processing right now, perhaps because i’ve dived so deeply into my retreats lately it’s churning things up for me and i’m encountering the edges of my viewpoint often. it’s not that i have a problem with intentional cheerfulness as described, but more that i have a strong sense that the path should be a certain way and it keeps throwing me for a loop. i’ve been pounding against these teachings, trying to view them as either all true or fundamentally flawed, so i could commit or be done with it, and there’s just no answer to that of course. yet it’s driving me crazy.
i guess i developed a very scientific view of things along the way, to treat everything as a theory until i find a counter-example. then repeat. but i never would have read the Bible that way with such a fundamentalist tact. i would read it with an more relaxed view and try to apply good moral ideas to my life or validate my experience with what i was reading. it wouldn’t push my edges so much.
yet it’s harder for some reason with the teachings i’m reading now. i keep focusing in and picking apart every line, every metaphor, every concept. i guess that means i’m holding them really close to my heart, and the risk of an error in judgment or commitment is terrifying me. it’s true the meditation practice has turned everything in my life, so i have tremendous respect for this practice. but i didn’t realize that having it permeate me like this would be so unnerving. i just need to relax a bit, try ‘letting it goooo’ and not worrying so much. i must be bumping up against the walls of my viewpoint often.
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